the night before a new dawn

i suppose why i didn't get up to leave, was because i wanted to sit a little longer. to sit there at the pew, after mass, for a little bit of solitude. and why i needed that solitude, was to find that little bit of peace within me.

it's been such a smooth ride, with everything happening within expectations. now with new scenes before me, it almost feels like someone pulled the rug under me.

am i too reliant, to want to have a mentor around me? perhaps i could be stronger, and even more independent. but, am i not independent enough? i know some things are unexpected, but i do feel a little lost.

passages are all pointing to leave our lives to Him, and He'd do best what he thinks for us. i always wonder if essentially, it indicates a lack of self direction and drive. but even if we planned our own lives, would we be truly happy with the results?

for me, i'm simpler. it takes very little for me to take delight in things around. one could say i'm easier to please, more happy-go-lucky. i wasn't always like this, and i did come a long way. my expectations are just set much lower, so that whatever else comes along would be a bonus.

it would be great if my other half could share my views. but i can't expect that. that's something that everyone decides on their own. otherwise it defeats the whole purpose.

and his views, are not within my control. his loftier ideals seem to be weighing him down. or maybe the process of getting there.

what do i do. now it's weighing me down too.

it's a year more, before we get separated. before that comes, i'll think less. it's better that way.