sense of dread

it's like a shadow over me.

people first hear about me, then they meet me. they hear about the fanciful tie-ups i have in my family and assume i would have no problems getting my business at all. (and i really need to thank the person who cannot keep his mouth shut)

first, the prejudice. the pre-conceived smooth-sailing career they think i'm in for. honestly if i were them and i hear about such things about a person, i'd mark down the person in terms of capability. because of that damn notion, there's this inherent need to prove myself.

and then, whoever said it's easy doing business with people you're closest to? i'm running into shit problems just bringing the business in. i'm not supposed to ask questions and put the deal through just like magic? i'd rather not do the business.

anyhow, i got to be more careful at work. some people seem really nice, but with certain incidents you question their character. i was actually shell-shocked that this person looked at me and said nothing, did nothing, when i accidentally scalded my hand this morning. that she turned back to do her work right after. that i realised she actually watched me repeatedly doing the same thing that she did 'wrong' before, and said nothing. until i asked if it was right. it makes me sad but i'm trying not to think about it.

it's really hard to trust people this way. cut out the superficial talk, please. i'm done with it.

although i think the person i'm happiest talking to is my section head (the one above my boss), and he did ask me to drop by to look for him when i can, i think people will be watching.

sh*t i really hate getting lost. and i hate myself more for accomplishing it.

it's been a week, and i'm still fumbling around raffles place. with conviction i walk in a certain direction, only to end up at square one a good fifteen minutes later. i tell you, i blame the towers that blocked my view. there's more, but really there'd be no end to this.

to top it all off, the load i had with me today made me feel like a bumbling vagrant. great, isn't it?

if today's autumn/winter fashion preview event was an assignment, i'd fail miserably. went there with The Round One for martinis and canapes. mostly. well, at least that was all i intended (sorry, retailers). seriously there wasn't anything interesting there. zilch. while she was purposefully thumbing through the autumn/winter collection, i just dutifully followed behind her.

shopping after dinner was also emotionless to me. more so because of what she was trying to tell me! maybe i'm too headstrong for my own good.

the eyes are fluttering close now. think i'll shut them for now. we'll leave tomorrow's problems to tomorrow. ta!

are you making me right?

as i was walking back from work (smiling at my portuguese egg tarts and d24 durian mooncakes), these were my outgoing messages:

> baby i might love working at this place. today another boss told me that when he's stressed, he shuts the door and says a short prayer. catholic too!
> i think it's really quite a humbling experience here really. in a different way. lol.
> haha yeah. it's like God's forcing me to pray you know. a constant reminder that He's there and life's not all about work.

it's a little overwhelming, the whole everyone-is-catholic-and-you'll know God's in this place thing. i'm definitely not a 'good' catholic, and i told them just that. funny thing was, they said the same thing but it feels like they're more devout than me. and when we really just let go, things out of the ordinary happen.

someone just said to me, 'i like being catholic because it's predictable'. but i tell you, it's going to be far from it. my human nature fights the very notion of being catholic because it really means putting myself out of my rational comfort zone. it's amusing how that person sees our religion as being 'safe' and comfortable because he doesn't like being placed out of his routine.

being catholic makes me more aware. on how i am still so lacking before Him. and how He works his magic through the most unexpected ways.

the night before a new dawn

i suppose why i didn't get up to leave, was because i wanted to sit a little longer. to sit there at the pew, after mass, for a little bit of solitude. and why i needed that solitude, was to find that little bit of peace within me.

it's been such a smooth ride, with everything happening within expectations. now with new scenes before me, it almost feels like someone pulled the rug under me.

am i too reliant, to want to have a mentor around me? perhaps i could be stronger, and even more independent. but, am i not independent enough? i know some things are unexpected, but i do feel a little lost.

passages are all pointing to leave our lives to Him, and He'd do best what he thinks for us. i always wonder if essentially, it indicates a lack of self direction and drive. but even if we planned our own lives, would we be truly happy with the results?

for me, i'm simpler. it takes very little for me to take delight in things around. one could say i'm easier to please, more happy-go-lucky. i wasn't always like this, and i did come a long way. my expectations are just set much lower, so that whatever else comes along would be a bonus.

it would be great if my other half could share my views. but i can't expect that. that's something that everyone decides on their own. otherwise it defeats the whole purpose.

and his views, are not within my control. his loftier ideals seem to be weighing him down. or maybe the process of getting there.

what do i do. now it's weighing me down too.

it's a year more, before we get separated. before that comes, i'll think less. it's better that way.

of banking and pr

ahhhhh. it's been such a long hiatus since i've penned down anything, if at all! heh. have i been wordless? uninspired? too lazy to think? all of the above, maybe.

haven't written or typed anything for the last year, ever since i left public relations. the only letters i've punched in were my password combinations to the different banking systems. and my most active instrument was perhaps the MOUSE. to find out about the latest fund prices and movements, to book trades and to check on clients' portfolios.

perhaps an email here and there to enquire about certain pesky customers' information, and to colleagues, "Free for coffee?" speaking of which, i've never taken so much coffee before i came into banking. it's not that i didn't know Starbucks is around for a reason - the coffee trend - but i've always wondered how those working class folks in their uppity (and uptight) business wear make it there. but i digress.

there's a feeling somewhere, that banking's not me, me. and honestly, i'm in this line more to please someone else than in it for myself.

will i return to what i'm supposed to be doing, and enjoy 100% what it is? i'll leave it to Him.