Why can't he understand that work shouldn't be everything? If I gave up a good job, promotion and big bonus in the middle of everything, why can't he look for something that doesn't take him away from us almost always? He's not even sure that he would stay on, so why work so blindly. He says I'm not understanding. That he is 'working'. If I don't have time for a proper breakfast, lunch or dinner. If I don't even have time to leisurely bathe, or at all. If I don't even have time to answer nature's call because that would leave a restless or screaming baby behind. If the only respite I have all day is perhaps a 10 minute sit down from start to end day. Most days I don't even watch the television at all. Yet he needs his space to zone out from working. How about me. When can I zone out without worrying about undone chores or preparing her next feed. Does he understand that I would rather 'work' than be working at home 24/7? At least lunch would be a hurried affair and not half-eaten or forgone. At least conversations will be continuous instead of being cut off 5 minutes into the call because the baby did not really get to sleep. Switch roles with me and see if you truly understand. Not for a day but permanently.

taking things for granted

we've come so far that i've barely stopped to consider. should it be a natural decision? sometimes his reactions to others' questions on us make me do a double-take.

i'm not sure if it's even funny. i'm not sure why you even think it may be, to others. is this who i'm entrusting my future to? i stop cold with each recurring episode. you think there's nothing you've done wrong, and you refuse to admit any wrong, but have you gotten it right?

there's still time. time to determine if we are on the same page.

the head's whirling with thoughts and flashes of the past.

goodbye...and then what's next?

in the end, i only said goodbye to the few that mattered. i'm not sure if i did the right thing to not say anything to the majority. but i figure that if they didn't care enough to ask about me directly or come talk to me, then i didn't need to return the gesture.

somehow i didn't feel right putting on a smile to thank this girl, even though she had helped me in the past. in recent times she was more inclined to walk past me pretending that i wasn't there even though i was right in her face? and chiding me for something that wasn't even my fault and having double standards herself? that was totally unbelievable. and unacceptable.

on the other end of the spectrum, two of the older branch managers touched me. i took the initiative to call one of them, and even without knowing where i might be heading to, he said that i would do well wherever i go. and he told the other branch managers just that when they were talking about me. he didn't work directly with me at all, but he had so much faith in me? it made me think that i made the right choice after all.

and my bosses, i can't thank them enough. the day i tendered, P called me in to find out why. he called me in the next morning to discuss my future plans after hearing from M. then he asked my direct boss to get me to reconsider. and asked me directly too. On my last day, he still had a nice chat with me and offered to help refer me if required. As for M, he already knew what was coming and tried his best to retain me even after my letter went to hr. but his offer of 'reporting directly to him' wouldn't have made a difference in this environment. my mobile bosses have of course helped me the most during my tenor in secured.

i liked the autonomy of my role and my co-workers, but obviously the push factors came out stronger. at head office they kept telling me no, it can't be done..no, it hasn't been done, no this, no that. my first thought was always, 'there has to be a way!' or 'let's try!' i refused to accept that things could only be done a certain way. but my supervisor seemed to have given up and were telling us that we could only 'accept'. what sort of progress would we have with that mentality? we need to rise above, not get dragged down. (again, it is easier said than done).

one day, hopefully, things would get changed there. but until that happens, it's not heart-friendly. still, it was the people who made the place a pleasant work environment. they were the very core of the place. and hand to heart, i hope that they don't forget that.

looking back, it was still a very huge risk for me to leave. am living on tenterhooks everyday. wish me luck for my next chapter.

remembering my roots

i haven't realised it's been so long since my last post. haven't realised that part of me forgot that this existed. haven't realised that i lost a part of myself in the last two years.

in striving to get ahead, i've taken on some necessary characteristics to harden myself. told myself not to be nice to people who don't deserve it. to people who are seemingly two-faced. to people who are just out to get something out of me. to people who are just looking for entertainment -- you become their spectacle.

but there's always this inner voice that decries that. isn't it an innate christian belief to be sincere to everyone? even those who are against you? it's really easier said than done.

today i asked for pork chop at a halal restaurant. absent-mindedly.

"sorry, we don't serve pork at this halal restaurant"

congratulate me.

i hope i redeemed myself a little today! he said i was hardworking and that he thinks i'm gutsy. i think i had no choice today but to talk to complete strangers.

which is why on weekends, i really just want my personal time with loved ones and friends i know.

up agonizing about the difficult loan case. come on, let me work my miracle.

i've never felt more dumb in my life.

as what the bf would say, it's a CLM. career-limiting-move. i forgot that my boss told me - twice before - that he had a kid. and after that i asked to see photos of the kid - which he already showed me before.

good move, man. better still it was two in a row. stop laughing.

sense of dread

it's like a shadow over me.

people first hear about me, then they meet me. they hear about the fanciful tie-ups i have in my family and assume i would have no problems getting my business at all. (and i really need to thank the person who cannot keep his mouth shut)

first, the prejudice. the pre-conceived smooth-sailing career they think i'm in for. honestly if i were them and i hear about such things about a person, i'd mark down the person in terms of capability. because of that damn notion, there's this inherent need to prove myself.

and then, whoever said it's easy doing business with people you're closest to? i'm running into shit problems just bringing the business in. i'm not supposed to ask questions and put the deal through just like magic? i'd rather not do the business.

anyhow, i got to be more careful at work. some people seem really nice, but with certain incidents you question their character. i was actually shell-shocked that this person looked at me and said nothing, did nothing, when i accidentally scalded my hand this morning. that she turned back to do her work right after. that i realised she actually watched me repeatedly doing the same thing that she did 'wrong' before, and said nothing. until i asked if it was right. it makes me sad but i'm trying not to think about it.

it's really hard to trust people this way. cut out the superficial talk, please. i'm done with it.

although i think the person i'm happiest talking to is my section head (the one above my boss), and he did ask me to drop by to look for him when i can, i think people will be watching.

sh*t i really hate getting lost. and i hate myself more for accomplishing it.

it's been a week, and i'm still fumbling around raffles place. with conviction i walk in a certain direction, only to end up at square one a good fifteen minutes later. i tell you, i blame the towers that blocked my view. there's more, but really there'd be no end to this.

to top it all off, the load i had with me today made me feel like a bumbling vagrant. great, isn't it?

if today's autumn/winter fashion preview event was an assignment, i'd fail miserably. went there with The Round One for martinis and canapes. mostly. well, at least that was all i intended (sorry, retailers). seriously there wasn't anything interesting there. zilch. while she was purposefully thumbing through the autumn/winter collection, i just dutifully followed behind her.

shopping after dinner was also emotionless to me. more so because of what she was trying to tell me! maybe i'm too headstrong for my own good.

the eyes are fluttering close now. think i'll shut them for now. we'll leave tomorrow's problems to tomorrow. ta!

are you making me right?

as i was walking back from work (smiling at my portuguese egg tarts and d24 durian mooncakes), these were my outgoing messages:

> baby i might love working at this place. today another boss told me that when he's stressed, he shuts the door and says a short prayer. catholic too!
> i think it's really quite a humbling experience here really. in a different way. lol.
> haha yeah. it's like God's forcing me to pray you know. a constant reminder that He's there and life's not all about work.

it's a little overwhelming, the whole everyone-is-catholic-and-you'll know God's in this place thing. i'm definitely not a 'good' catholic, and i told them just that. funny thing was, they said the same thing but it feels like they're more devout than me. and when we really just let go, things out of the ordinary happen.

someone just said to me, 'i like being catholic because it's predictable'. but i tell you, it's going to be far from it. my human nature fights the very notion of being catholic because it really means putting myself out of my rational comfort zone. it's amusing how that person sees our religion as being 'safe' and comfortable because he doesn't like being placed out of his routine.

being catholic makes me more aware. on how i am still so lacking before Him. and how He works his magic through the most unexpected ways.

the night before a new dawn

i suppose why i didn't get up to leave, was because i wanted to sit a little longer. to sit there at the pew, after mass, for a little bit of solitude. and why i needed that solitude, was to find that little bit of peace within me.

it's been such a smooth ride, with everything happening within expectations. now with new scenes before me, it almost feels like someone pulled the rug under me.

am i too reliant, to want to have a mentor around me? perhaps i could be stronger, and even more independent. but, am i not independent enough? i know some things are unexpected, but i do feel a little lost.

passages are all pointing to leave our lives to Him, and He'd do best what he thinks for us. i always wonder if essentially, it indicates a lack of self direction and drive. but even if we planned our own lives, would we be truly happy with the results?

for me, i'm simpler. it takes very little for me to take delight in things around. one could say i'm easier to please, more happy-go-lucky. i wasn't always like this, and i did come a long way. my expectations are just set much lower, so that whatever else comes along would be a bonus.

it would be great if my other half could share my views. but i can't expect that. that's something that everyone decides on their own. otherwise it defeats the whole purpose.

and his views, are not within my control. his loftier ideals seem to be weighing him down. or maybe the process of getting there.

what do i do. now it's weighing me down too.

it's a year more, before we get separated. before that comes, i'll think less. it's better that way.

of banking and pr

ahhhhh. it's been such a long hiatus since i've penned down anything, if at all! heh. have i been wordless? uninspired? too lazy to think? all of the above, maybe.

haven't written or typed anything for the last year, ever since i left public relations. the only letters i've punched in were my password combinations to the different banking systems. and my most active instrument was perhaps the MOUSE. to find out about the latest fund prices and movements, to book trades and to check on clients' portfolios.

perhaps an email here and there to enquire about certain pesky customers' information, and to colleagues, "Free for coffee?" speaking of which, i've never taken so much coffee before i came into banking. it's not that i didn't know Starbucks is around for a reason - the coffee trend - but i've always wondered how those working class folks in their uppity (and uptight) business wear make it there. but i digress.

there's a feeling somewhere, that banking's not me, me. and honestly, i'm in this line more to please someone else than in it for myself.

will i return to what i'm supposed to be doing, and enjoy 100% what it is? i'll leave it to Him.

i'm so lazy to blog, i'm so lazy with everything else too. so much so that maybe it's time to clean up.

yay i got offered! after the gruelling two rounds of interview. i wonder what the future holds...

it is almost time.

and i will definitely miss some of them, as weird as it might seem. letting go is always the hardest. when will the right time be? I hope He will show me.

did He feel like this when he knew his 'hour' was coming? think it was much worse than this.

i hope everything works out, because i have to leave it in His hands now. my work is almost done here.

it's 1.23am and i'm up with many issues.

worried about family matters, worried about leaving sherry behind for 2 weeks. worried abt friends even.

if there's a rising wall between you and your 'good friend', are you still good friends? if your lives and values are so different, can you stand each other? yes i respect differences but feel they are taking us on separate paths. sometimes i really can't stand some of the things you do or say, especially when it launches into a personal attack on someone you hardly know. i keep my distance because of that, and that distance is growing.

you come to me mostly in times of trouble, or help in work. yet when the occasion arises for a fraction of your support, you deflect to the 'fun' side. where i can't be because it is my duty to stay on the other side, or i choose to because it feels like the right thing to do. i don't expect you to choose the path i take but it would have been nice if you had supported me wholeheartedly and not out of guilt and circumstances.

there's this sense of rivalry that i get from you although i have no wish to go into that. somehow you're disgruntled that you have a lack of power. from day one i told you that we will be working separately. seriously there was not much politics until you arrived. why are you pushing your way into a territory that's not even yours? you left me with no choice but to draw the line and define the rules once and for all. and for something you assumed you had a right to, but don't, you're unhappy for not getting your way? i think i can tell when you respond out of unhappiness - and you're dragging other people down with you...which i can't understand.

if you're a true friend, why do i have so many doubts?

please don't make me regret the times i stuck my neck out for you..because sometimes i'm starting to.

i think it's super hard to be subtle, especially when you're happy. happy for another. but you're told to contain your emotions, to play it cool. any cooler and i'd be fake!

the working field's a war out there. am i the soldier, the commander or the enemy? i still haven't figured that out yet.

it's been a long time. and i haven't had much time of my own to think, reflect.

was clearing my spam-filled hotmail when i saw amusing messages from long time ago. how my ex was really so possessive - but i somehow didn't see it that clearly. how a jc friend tried to reconnect and said that we missed the opportunity to be friends - but our emails died along the way. how a senior used to guide me in life and school - but we're both so caught up with our own lives now.

i guess as we get older, we lose ourselves and some people along the way. i hate when that happens and always wonder if i could have done more.

we get more cynical about the intentions of others. is he/she doing this for their own benefit? why are they suddenly being so nice to me? is this just temporary? are we interest-group friends? can i trust them with my personal thoughts and feelings?

sherry's (my dog) probably the most loyal one around right now -- shows how much trust i have in men, besides my bf -- and i'm not even sure how long she'll stick around. with her unfortunate life-threatening virus, nothing seems certain. as with life, actually.

a lil' nostalgic right now, recollecting the past.

all the could haves, should haves. i cherish what - and who - i have right now. it's just harder getting back what i've lost.

if you see this, it means you still remember me. (:

my day out with mum...

Took a couple of shots (complimentary, courtesy of someone who recommended)
Well, it's all in the name of fun. Glad we didn't have to pay for it!