the night before a new dawn

i suppose why i didn't get up to leave, was because i wanted to sit a little longer. to sit there at the pew, after mass, for a little bit of solitude. and why i needed that solitude, was to find that little bit of peace within me.

it's been such a smooth ride, with everything happening within expectations. now with new scenes before me, it almost feels like someone pulled the rug under me.

am i too reliant, to want to have a mentor around me? perhaps i could be stronger, and even more independent. but, am i not independent enough? i know some things are unexpected, but i do feel a little lost.

passages are all pointing to leave our lives to Him, and He'd do best what he thinks for us. i always wonder if essentially, it indicates a lack of self direction and drive. but even if we planned our own lives, would we be truly happy with the results?

for me, i'm simpler. it takes very little for me to take delight in things around. one could say i'm easier to please, more happy-go-lucky. i wasn't always like this, and i did come a long way. my expectations are just set much lower, so that whatever else comes along would be a bonus.

it would be great if my other half could share my views. but i can't expect that. that's something that everyone decides on their own. otherwise it defeats the whole purpose.

and his views, are not within my control. his loftier ideals seem to be weighing him down. or maybe the process of getting there.

what do i do. now it's weighing me down too.

it's a year more, before we get separated. before that comes, i'll think less. it's better that way.

of banking and pr

ahhhhh. it's been such a long hiatus since i've penned down anything, if at all! heh. have i been wordless? uninspired? too lazy to think? all of the above, maybe.

haven't written or typed anything for the last year, ever since i left public relations. the only letters i've punched in were my password combinations to the different banking systems. and my most active instrument was perhaps the MOUSE. to find out about the latest fund prices and movements, to book trades and to check on clients' portfolios.

perhaps an email here and there to enquire about certain pesky customers' information, and to colleagues, "Free for coffee?" speaking of which, i've never taken so much coffee before i came into banking. it's not that i didn't know Starbucks is around for a reason - the coffee trend - but i've always wondered how those working class folks in their uppity (and uptight) business wear make it there. but i digress.

there's a feeling somewhere, that banking's not me, me. and honestly, i'm in this line more to please someone else than in it for myself.

will i return to what i'm supposed to be doing, and enjoy 100% what it is? i'll leave it to Him.

i'm so lazy to blog, i'm so lazy with everything else too. so much so that maybe it's time to clean up.

yay i got offered! after the gruelling two rounds of interview. i wonder what the future holds...

it is almost time.

and i will definitely miss some of them, as weird as it might seem. letting go is always the hardest. when will the right time be? I hope He will show me.

did He feel like this when he knew his 'hour' was coming? think it was much worse than this.

i hope everything works out, because i have to leave it in His hands now. my work is almost done here.

it's 1.23am and i'm up with many issues.

worried about family matters, worried about leaving sherry behind for 2 weeks. worried abt friends even.

if there's a rising wall between you and your 'good friend', are you still good friends? if your lives and values are so different, can you stand each other? yes i respect differences but feel they are taking us on separate paths. sometimes i really can't stand some of the things you do or say, especially when it launches into a personal attack on someone you hardly know. i keep my distance because of that, and that distance is growing.

you come to me mostly in times of trouble, or help in work. yet when the occasion arises for a fraction of your support, you deflect to the 'fun' side. where i can't be because it is my duty to stay on the other side, or i choose to because it feels like the right thing to do. i don't expect you to choose the path i take but it would have been nice if you had supported me wholeheartedly and not out of guilt and circumstances.

there's this sense of rivalry that i get from you although i have no wish to go into that. somehow you're disgruntled that you have a lack of power. from day one i told you that we will be working separately. seriously there was not much politics until you arrived. why are you pushing your way into a territory that's not even yours? you left me with no choice but to draw the line and define the rules once and for all. and for something you assumed you had a right to, but don't, you're unhappy for not getting your way? i think i can tell when you respond out of unhappiness - and you're dragging other people down with you...which i can't understand.

if you're a true friend, why do i have so many doubts?

please don't make me regret the times i stuck my neck out for you..because sometimes i'm starting to.

i think it's super hard to be subtle, especially when you're happy. happy for another. but you're told to contain your emotions, to play it cool. any cooler and i'd be fake!

the working field's a war out there. am i the soldier, the commander or the enemy? i still haven't figured that out yet.