Why can't he understand that work shouldn't be everything? If I gave up a good job, promotion and big bonus in the middle of everything, why can't he look for something that doesn't take him away from us almost always? He's not even sure that he would stay on, so why work so blindly. He says I'm not understanding. That he is 'working'. If I don't have time for a proper breakfast, lunch or dinner. If I don't even have time to leisurely bathe, or at all. If I don't even have time to answer nature's call because that would leave a restless or screaming baby behind. If the only respite I have all day is perhaps a 10 minute sit down from start to end day. Most days I don't even watch the television at all. Yet he needs his space to zone out from working. How about me. When can I zone out without worrying about undone chores or preparing her next feed. Does he understand that I would rather 'work' than be working at home 24/7? At least lunch would be a hurried affair and not half-eaten or forgone. At least conversations will be continuous instead of being cut off 5 minutes into the call because the baby did not really get to sleep. Switch roles with me and see if you truly understand. Not for a day but permanently.

taking things for granted

we've come so far that i've barely stopped to consider. should it be a natural decision? sometimes his reactions to others' questions on us make me do a double-take.

i'm not sure if it's even funny. i'm not sure why you even think it may be, to others. is this who i'm entrusting my future to? i stop cold with each recurring episode. you think there's nothing you've done wrong, and you refuse to admit any wrong, but have you gotten it right?

there's still time. time to determine if we are on the same page.

the head's whirling with thoughts and flashes of the past.

goodbye...and then what's next?

in the end, i only said goodbye to the few that mattered. i'm not sure if i did the right thing to not say anything to the majority. but i figure that if they didn't care enough to ask about me directly or come talk to me, then i didn't need to return the gesture.

somehow i didn't feel right putting on a smile to thank this girl, even though she had helped me in the past. in recent times she was more inclined to walk past me pretending that i wasn't there even though i was right in her face? and chiding me for something that wasn't even my fault and having double standards herself? that was totally unbelievable. and unacceptable.

on the other end of the spectrum, two of the older branch managers touched me. i took the initiative to call one of them, and even without knowing where i might be heading to, he said that i would do well wherever i go. and he told the other branch managers just that when they were talking about me. he didn't work directly with me at all, but he had so much faith in me? it made me think that i made the right choice after all.

and my bosses, i can't thank them enough. the day i tendered, P called me in to find out why. he called me in the next morning to discuss my future plans after hearing from M. then he asked my direct boss to get me to reconsider. and asked me directly too. On my last day, he still had a nice chat with me and offered to help refer me if required. As for M, he already knew what was coming and tried his best to retain me even after my letter went to hr. but his offer of 'reporting directly to him' wouldn't have made a difference in this environment. my mobile bosses have of course helped me the most during my tenor in secured.

i liked the autonomy of my role and my co-workers, but obviously the push factors came out stronger. at head office they kept telling me no, it can't be done..no, it hasn't been done, no this, no that. my first thought was always, 'there has to be a way!' or 'let's try!' i refused to accept that things could only be done a certain way. but my supervisor seemed to have given up and were telling us that we could only 'accept'. what sort of progress would we have with that mentality? we need to rise above, not get dragged down. (again, it is easier said than done).

one day, hopefully, things would get changed there. but until that happens, it's not heart-friendly. still, it was the people who made the place a pleasant work environment. they were the very core of the place. and hand to heart, i hope that they don't forget that.

looking back, it was still a very huge risk for me to leave. am living on tenterhooks everyday. wish me luck for my next chapter.

remembering my roots

i haven't realised it's been so long since my last post. haven't realised that part of me forgot that this existed. haven't realised that i lost a part of myself in the last two years.

in striving to get ahead, i've taken on some necessary characteristics to harden myself. told myself not to be nice to people who don't deserve it. to people who are seemingly two-faced. to people who are just out to get something out of me. to people who are just looking for entertainment -- you become their spectacle.

but there's always this inner voice that decries that. isn't it an innate christian belief to be sincere to everyone? even those who are against you? it's really easier said than done.

today i asked for pork chop at a halal restaurant. absent-mindedly.

"sorry, we don't serve pork at this halal restaurant"

congratulate me.

i hope i redeemed myself a little today! he said i was hardworking and that he thinks i'm gutsy. i think i had no choice today but to talk to complete strangers.

which is why on weekends, i really just want my personal time with loved ones and friends i know.

up agonizing about the difficult loan case. come on, let me work my miracle.

i've never felt more dumb in my life.

as what the bf would say, it's a CLM. career-limiting-move. i forgot that my boss told me - twice before - that he had a kid. and after that i asked to see photos of the kid - which he already showed me before.

good move, man. better still it was two in a row. stop laughing.